When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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