my vag is so smooth its legendary
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He did a backflip because drugs
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