I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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