I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish I only lived at night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
