a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
