smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
