quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
