It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
