I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
