Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
