Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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