sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
