Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
