no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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