ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
