You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
