You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
a search helicopter?!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize