neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
