At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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