I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
