mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
