I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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