Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
