90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
