I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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