You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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