Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize