he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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