I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
