I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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