In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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