You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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