i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The power of my boobs compel you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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