my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
