I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
