I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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