he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think your dad took our porno
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
