The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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