You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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