As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
