i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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