I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
