I can text with my tongue
Your dad touched me again.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
