It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
