every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
