Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
