this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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