plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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