I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I supernannyed him into submission
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
