I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
