I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
