The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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