You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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