so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
