Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
