Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
