She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
