Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
