saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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