My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
