It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
