you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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