I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
be right there i have to get my cape
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
